So You Wanna Be A Vampire Hunter?

(Originally posted June 1, 2011) “I don’t want PEOPLE to fear me. I want VAMPIRES to fear me.” ~ Just the Vampire Hunter.
“I don’t fear you… but then I suppose we all want things we can’t have.” ~ Me.
Recently I began hearing about a “Vampire hunter” profile on Facebook. This is an interesting profile. When I got around to looking at it, I remembered the name instantly – it was “Just the vampire hunter”. Over the past few years I have seen some of his videos on Youtube – supposedly made “live action” style with him and a buddy creeping around at night and killing vampires. Not bad for a high school art class project. Yes, it was pretty lame, even before it was made into a movie – which is now why this person – if it is indeed a person at all, has a Facebook profile – as far as I am concerned, in order to promote his movie. So is this supposed to be a real attempt to convince vamps this is a “hunter” group, or some half-assed movie promotional gimmick? This dude “Just” claims to have spent the night chasing vamps who have been “Picking off border patrol agents”?? Riiiight.Real life vampires don’t need to kill to feed, we have willing donors for that.  Think about that a moment – why run around in the cold night in the wild chasing dinner when you can get it in the privacy of a haeven or in your own home? Better get a new script-writer Just – the one you have is “just” trying so hard to make you look good.

Yes, this Facebook group is covered in arguments between so-called “hunters” insisting how real they are, and that they actually do hunt and kill vampires, and some real vampires themselves calling them out on their claims as well as what certainly can be described as bigotry and even threatening behavior.Now my problem is not with vampire movies or vampire hunter movies perse’ – it is with the false impression people like this create by fabricating an online reality in which “Just” is some kind of bona fide hero who brags about his nightly exploits, killing actual vampires with a heroic swing of his axe.

Now if you are a real “vampire hunter” I obviously have a problem with you, because (duh) I am a real vampire. I have written previously about the existence of real hunters, so I will not focus on this issue in depth in this article, except to say that as we Vampi(y)res can be adequately justified or defined by the saying “it is what it does”, then the same must be true for vampire hunters. Pursuing the logic of this premise – if there are vampire hunters, then in order to qualify for this title – then those claiming to hunt vampires must follow through and hunt vampires, to the death if you follow the classical stereotype. The point I am trying to make then is this: If they do not hunt vampires, then how can they qualify their claims of being “real” vampire “hunters”? Then at best they could claim to be vampirologists, or if you will, “watchers”. The term “watchers” makes more sense, even if they are more creepy.

Now for those claiming to be actual “hunters” or even “slayers” – Where is the evidence? By this I mean that real vamps are real people. People, including vamps, die and leave bodies and awkward questions that need answering, and the people who ask the questions will not be satisfied with excuses like “oh he was a vampire, so I swung my axe”. Very seldom, people have tried that – albeit with a sawn-off shotgun or a crudely sharpened wooden stake, but they have ended up in the dock every time – with a stop-off at the loony bin enroute.

One or two incidents of assault have come up in the past, with some vamps getting threatened, and a few being assaulted by people targeting goths or perceived vampires – accredited to some deranged lunatics who clearly have been watching too much Buffy – but certainly nothing serious. Fairly regularly I might add, the victims of these so-called “hunters” turn out to not be vamps at all, just people theysuspected of being a vampire. And frequently these individuals wind up in psychiatric care, not because they believe in vampires, or because they have decided to hunt us, or because they tried to kill someone – but because they suffer from anti-social personality disorders and psychosis.

Taking a look at the broad spectrum of the people out there today, at least the online component which claims to be some version of vampire “hunter” or other, most appear to be soft-skinned, juvenile and woefully inept. For one thing, they seem to be all too eager to threaten, even though they clearly have no means to act out their threats. I am hard-pressed to imagine them running around dispatching vamps left and right, let alone finding any of the online personas they threaten, in real life – least of all to imagine the sheer scale of the mechanism which would have to cover up all their alleged activities.

Now, if “hunters” really go around killing vampires, where are the bodies? Where are the news reports? Where is the evidence that they are what they say they are or do what they say they do?  Why would they be posting about it on Facebook? Are they above the law? Does the law cover up for them? Or is “Just” – like very other wannabe “hunter” out there just blowing smoke and bathing in the ego-trip he gets from bragging about how “tough” he is?

Let me say that I have heard nothing at all in the VC to suggest that serious, real-life “hunters” actually exist – in fact I have never met one vamp who can tell me of any of their friends who have mysteriously vanished, or turned up staked or burned to death, or axed. Like I said, no evidence. None. Vampires laugh at the idea that there are real hunters. That’s right, it’s a joke to us. As a matter of fact, if a vamp wishes to be made fun of, all they need do is speak of hunters as a serious threat in VC circles.Over the past year or so I’ve taken an interest in the activities of “hunters” and noted a few things about them. Among these traits is the claim that there is a “truce” or treaty” between vampires and hunters. Presumably, hunters will not harm vampires as long as they do not “cross the line” (a phrase used quite often in completely independent groups interestingly enough) – or so the story goes. Crossing the line appears to mean a vampire hurting or killing someone to obtain blood, which to me seems to indicate a base ignorance of real vampires and perhaps a fixation on the mythical variety of vampire – which by this description alone, does not exist. And the hunters? Well it’s hard to say how they would benefit from such a “treaty”, if you take them at face value.

There isn’t any outside record of this “Truce” they speak of between vamps and hunters, or any sign that there are any actual “hunters” out there – except for nut-baskets like Bishop Sean Manchester who is still out to prove that the Highgate Vampire wasn’t a figment of his imagination after 30 years. Yes, there may be one or two crazy individuals who make believe they hunt vampires, chasing shadows in cemeteries and perhaps terrorizing goth kids at school or in the mall, carrying stakes and holy water in their jackets, but there is no sign of any actual organization dedicated to hunting vampires.

There are real vamps out there, defined by what we do, feeding off energy and blood as we need it – but if you claim to be a hunter, what kind of hunting do you do? Like hunting for a missing purse? Or hunting for a deer in the woods, as in to kill? Once again, there is no evidence to prove claims that hunters actually hunt or kill anything – if there were, the vampire community would know about it. My conclusion seems sound – this is a movie advertising/fan page and those on it claiming to be “hunters” are a) character actors promoting the movie, b) pretenders trolling self-identified real vampires, and c) in on the joke.

To “Just” I would um, “just” like to say – bully for you *gives shoulder-punch*, you’ve graduated from the garage – it looks more professional than the old Youtube stuff I saw last year. Congrats. Not really my style, but that could be bias on my part as I’m apparently in your “target group”, so I will stick to more realistic stuff thank you. I just hope you’re responsible enough to realize that the claims of killing vampires you make on here can be misinterpreted by hero-worshiping kids and those lacking the sense to tell apart fact from fiction as encouragement to “follow your example” and go forth and attack people in the street – and to post a disclaimer somewhere where it’s visible.

To the vamps and otherkin I see on groups like this fan page, who spend days and nights arguing and debating real vampire traits and trading insults with this fake profile, please take my advice. He’s trolling you. He’s no hunter – it’s a fake profile named after the lead character in a movie being promoted.

So where do you fit in? Do you claim to be a vampire “hunter”? Have you ever killed anything before? How about a person? Really? Then why are you not in prison? Do you expect me to believe killing someone is as easy as Buffy – or this “Just” makes it out to be? Meanwhile, back at the ranch, if you ever met a real vamp, you’d probably need to change your shorts. The question is – will you have time? *wink*

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