Dynamics Of Change

(Originally posted September 1, 2010) When I found out I was a Vampyre, it explained a lot and brought major parts of my life into crystal clear focus. It was also a complete mind-fuck. 

You see, before that I had been convinced I was some sort of energy-worker, and possibly a hereditary witch, with some skills inherited from my grandmother’s side of the family. Before that I had been a born-again Christian who spent most of my life denying my skills and interests in them. Several things happened in my life to open my eyes and also, more importantly, my mind. Nowadays I call myself an eclectic Wiccan, and a Vampyre. But all that is a set of stories on its own which I will leave for another day.

As vamps, whether Awakened or latent, we tend to stand out in a crowd! Either by appearance or by character, we tend to make our mark on the world around us. And depending on where we live, such as in liberal surrounds or conservative areas, it can be easier or more difficult – or even dangerous to stand out as “different”.

Being a vamp has drawbacks. I know it isn’t a defining characteristic of being Vampyre, but as a night-creature, I don’t deal well with the sun or bright lights and never have. I don’t tan, I burn – which was very frustrating as a teenager because all the “cool” people had tans. I used to burn red, and then it would peel and fade and disappear, leaving me as pale as before. After one particularly bad case of sun-burn, I resolved to learn my lesson and stick to the shade. So these days I no longer do my impression of a rasher of bacon in a frying pan.

But there are other issues as well for me, such as the Thirst. As a “hybrid” (will somebody please come up with a better name for us??) I thirst for blood as well as essence. I feed mainly on essence, so I don’t nearly get enough blood. I recently lost several donors who all moved away from my immediate area, and consequently I have a thirst and obsession with blood most of every waking moment. I’m not sure how many of you can relate and how many can’t.

I went without blood for most of my adult life so far, even though I had minor blood cravings before I eventually found a donor after coming to terms with my nature – and over the past few months I got small doses each week. And suddenly, nothing – which leaves me in a position where I have felt how I think a junkie feels when they are cut off from their fix and go cold turkey. It’s been 3 weeks now that I have not had a drop of blood.

Suddenly I am physically hungry and thirsty all the time again, and whenever I eat or drink, it doesn’t satisfy. I feel ravenous and when I eat, I can only eat small amounts before feeling sick and bloated. Regular drinks, water, sodas, juice, coffee, tea – don’t satisfy my thirst. Although I feed on essence every day, and don’t feel like I’m starving, I feel somehow weakened and lacking – and frustrated by my mounting thirst. I find my thoughts turning increasingly to the object of my obsession – blood.

As a “hybrid” I feed primarily of ambient or environmental energy. Over the past year or so I’ve isolated that to mean more elemental energy, from “the earth”, or from “the universe”. I have even entertained the thought that I may be more sang than psi, and may have only developed psi feeding skills because I wasn’t getting any blood in my diet.

And then there is the matter of secrecy and disclosure. On the subject of confiding in loved ones, I would say that for me, disclosure depends on whether they can handle sharing my dark little secret or not. My mother? Definitely not. She’s way too old and fragile to bear that burden, especially after everything else she’s had to put up with in her life. Friends? No, I don’t think so. What they don’t know won’t hurt me. I have resolved to only disclose to other vamps and try to make friends within the community.

Lovers? I have confided in the last two, and both are also vampyric, and both sangs. These relationships self-destructed in a spectacular fashion and they live far, far away now. Currently I am single, and left thinking that if I were to get involved with a Mundane, or even another vamp, I would be tempted to talk them into being my donor. Whether or not I would confide in a donor, I can’t say until I were to know them and judge their ability to absorb such knowledge, and how open-minded they are. The donors I had before I courted by pretending I had a “blood fetish” and that worked quite well. It was only after a few feedings that I let them in a little. I think it is safer that way, for us and for them.

My sense of the world has changed so much in the past 2 years that I think even my view of committed relationships has altered. Of course, this is just my feeling on the matter, I don’t expect everyone to feel the same way. Some people want monogamous and exclusive relationships, as I once did – but I don’t anymore. I got hurt far too much for that now, to commit fully or to trust. I think now in terms of close friends “with donor benefits”. And I’m not talking sex either – you see, I’m also asexual – which causes a whole other dimension of relationship issues separate from vampyrism.

I also don’t believe in love anymore – and I know that’s not a vamp thing – it’s a “me” thing. It’s an experience thing – a learned reaction, like fear. It’s like going into the sunlight expecting to tan and not burn. It’s like expecting to try the very same experiment in a lab over and over again and to get different reaction each time. I see this change in mindset as learning from my mistakes.

So now instead of love I believe in need. Perhaps this need is a keystone that identifies us as Vampyres, perhaps just in terms of PSi vamps – needing so much that they drain it from those around them. Does need define your nature as a Vampyre? Need, as in I need closeness with someone, I need their warmth and their intimacy, their interest, their friendship, their caring about me – and of course, I offer my own in return. But more than any of those things, I need their blood.

Val

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